How To Strengthen Your Core

originally published in The Elizabethian August 21, 2015

Let’s face it, guys. Summer is almost over, but that doesn’t mean it’s too late to get that beach bod. If you’re going to go outside, you want to look good! And part of looking good is feeling your best and being your best!

One of the best ways to look great at the beach is with a killer core and rippling six-pack that Paul Walker actually killed to get. Did you think that car crash was an accident? No, a mysterious organization wanted to stop him at all costs to protect the secret of great abs.

Well, now we’re going to spill those secrets over to you, all over the Internet and ignore said secret organization. Remember, they can’t get us all!

But seriously though, try to commit this list to memory and never open this page again. We don’t want to rub their faces in it.

• Tell your core, “It’s not you; it’s me.” It will appreciate you in the long run for being honest.
• Convince your core to read and agree with Donald Trump’s proposal to get Mexico to pay for a wall between us. Your core will agree that’s a real mental workout and will thank you for it.
• Force it to watch Season 2 of True Detective, causing it to go into a crushing death spiral. When Season 3 premieres, your core will have gone through hell and will look great because of it.
• Purposely withhold everything your core loves with the promise to give it all back when it shapes up. Your core will try so hard to win your approval, it will be looking fabulous in no time.
• Trap your core in a closet and tell it that you’re playing 5 minutes in Heaven, but don’t come back for an hour.
• Explain real bluegrass to your core, who thinks it doesn’t like country music, and take it on a road-trip to Asheville, North Carolina.
• Discuss the mental gymnastics it takes to be passionately against abortion while simultaneously denying women access to contraceptives.
• Leave your core in the car with the window cracked while you go grocery shopping and promise to be out in 15 minutes. Come back in an hour with a rambling story about how you ran into an old friend and just lost track of time. This bitter disappointment will place self-reliance in your core, which will ultimately make it stronger in the long run.
• Pay attention while your core excitedly discusses its new baseball card collecting hobby and how much it thinks its collection will be worth in a few years. When it finds out they’re practically worthless, it will thank you for not downing the effort. A grateful core will always have your back.
• The ab roller.

Okay. There you go!

Now you have the core secrets that ultimately led to Paul Walker’s untimely death. Go rent Furious Seven on Blu-Ray and remember a great man with a core so strong that it could watch “Margot at the Wedding” and not cry at the end.

Remember guys, it’s all for the BEACH BOD!